I don't even know where to begin with this post. I will try my best to make it through without crying so much I can't see. I will start with a very simple quote in Psalms 127:3 "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward".
I can't remember a time in my life, child to adult, that I have not wanted children. Obviously, the feeling grew more strong as I reached adulthood and exploded when I met my beautiful wife. When we fell in love, children became a regular topic of conversation; How many did each of us want?...Boy or girl first?... Names?... and many other questions floated out there. Both of our answers were the same; 2-3 kids... gender doesn't matter, as long as they are healthy... we are both accepting of any name ideas. The most important of those answers was that we both wanted a ten fingered, ten toed healthy baby boy OR girl.
Our love grew over the next few months. We had so much in common and she ACTUALLY put up with my crap. A keeper. I had never been more sure of anything in my life... I wanted to spend the rest of my days with her. On November 11th, 2011 (11/11/11) I proposed to my best friend, my lover, my life. We then wed on September 29th, 2012 and instantly wanted to start trying for children. It was shocking how difficult it is to get pregnant when you want to. You watch movies like Juno and see someone get pregnant right away, after a on night stand and think it should be super simple... NOT the case. I think I know the menstrual cycle patterns better than the moon patterns by now. I have also spent a lot of time in forums and blogs learning some lingo like DPO or Days Past Ovulation. Hell... I didn't even know/understand what ovulation was before we started trying. Month after month we had heartbreak. negative...Negative...NEGATIVE. Each month it was painful all over again. There was nothing we wanted more than to have a baby and we were surrounded by people who got pregnant by accident, didn't even really want their kids or in most cases probably shouldn't even have had kids. Why couldn't we get pregnant. We tried everything; apps, ovulation kits, you name it we probably tried it, aside from expensive medical treatments. Then on September 22nd, 2014 (After over a year of trying) my wife woke me up, crying, with a positive pregnancy test in her hand. I embraced her, shaking... crying, and the world felt anew. After some crying and screaming, we both had to go to work. I walked out of the house that morning and the sun seemed brighter, the clouds seemed more colorful and the birds sounded more beautiful. I was going to be a DAD!
My thought of the future began dancing in my head; What will our child look like? Will it be a boy or girl? Will they have my eyes? My wife's skin tone? It was a miracle... my heritage... my fruit... my reward. We told our families, one by one, and cried each time with happiness. I didn't want this feeling to go away. This feeling of joy, gratefulness, love and knowing that I made the most precious thing my eyes would ever long to see.
We set our first OB/GYN appointment to have my wife poked and prodded to make sure everything was OK. The doctor said everything was fine so far. I was waiting for the doctor to say the word "Pregnant" to us, but she didn't. It still didn't seem real so I, in comedic fashion, asked the doctor just to say that word... to say that we were PREGNANT. She laughed and spoke that magic word. Now it felt 20% real. It still hadn't sunk in.
2 weeks later, on October 13th, we went for our first ultrasound. My wife and I were very excited to see our little speck of a child and hopefully see the heartbeat. The tech had the screen turned a little bit away from my wife, but I could see it just fine. She kept turning and moving things on the screen until I finally saw a little dot with a "blinking light" in it. That "blinking light" was my child's heart beating at 112 BPM. Tears began to stream down my face as I held my wife tight and kissed her forehead. Now it felt 100% real... I have seen my future in that little dot and light. We were on top of the world... nothing could stop us. That's when our world's were turned upside down.
It all changed on Wednesday, October 22nd (1 months after finding out we were pregnant). My wife started spotting (slight bleeding) on Tuesday and made an emergency ultrasound appointment the next day. We went in, both scared to death, and had to sit in the waiting room for what felt like forever as they tried to fit us in. The whole time I was spouting off facts, figures, statistics and anything I could think of our had found to try and calm my wife... assuring her everything would be OK. We finally heard my wife's name called and we went back to the ultrasound room. The tech prepared her and the procedure began. After some moving and turning of the wand, she found the yolk sac with the baby. I watched on the screen with nervous anticipation, but became weak when I didn't see that familiar "blinking light" as I did last time. She tech asked us if we saw a heartbeat last time and we said yes. Then she asked us how far along we were suppose to be and we answered. A few seconds later, which seemed like a century, she said those two words I will never forget... the two words that can tear your soul in half in one fell swoop... those two words that changed my life forever... "I'm sorry". To be quite honest... I don't know what else she said after that, something about "lost"... "baby"... "stopped growing"... "no heart beat"... "DIED". The sentence contained those words, but I will never remember the order those words were put in. I began to shake. My wife began to cry. I began to cry. Our baby was gone. Our little grain of rice would never form into a blueberry, a grape, a raspberry, a date and I would never get to hold my watermelon. I would never get to teach my peanut how to ride a bike, swim, tie their shoes or drive a car. I wouldn't be there to stay up all night while they go to prom, cry myself to sleep when they leave for college or tell them how proud I am of them when they get married. I also wouldn't be the grandfather to their child. They say life flashes before your eyes when YOU die... my FUTURE flashed before mine when my child died.
The next morning my wife started bleeding profusely and screaming in agonizing pain. I have never heard her cry so hard or scream so loud. I felt helpless. All I could do was rub her lower back and be there with her. She was beginning the miscarriage. She began sweating buckets as she writhed in pain. Days upon days she bleed was in excruciating pain as a constant reminder of our loss. I did all I could, as I did during the pregnancy to not allow her to get up and do anything. Again, my mind was in constant "Protect Her" mode and I had not had a chance to absorb what had really happened. My child was in Heaven.
It has been a week since I lost my Angel and it has not gotten any easier. I still will find myself staring at something, lost in sorrow and feeling angry. Not angry at God and not angry at anyone in particular... just ANGRY. My wife and I started writing in a journal when we found out we were pregnant, as my mother had done for me when I was born. What do I do with that? It only has 3 entries in it. What about the ultrasound pictures of our, at the time, healthy baby? What can I do to make this emptiness go away? Will I ever feel whole again? I don't have the answers to those questions and I don't know if I ever will... I just need to have hope that God will answer our prayers and give us the gift we have been yearning for for so long. Everyone keeps saying we can try again and have another baby but... I wanted THAT baby. I understand that God needed one of his Angels back to help him. I doesn't make it hurt any less.
I miss you, my baby. I wish I could hold you just once, Kiss your forehead as I rock you to sleep and sing you a lullaby. I will hold you someday, but I will love you forever.
Sweet Dreams my Angel,
Your Daddy
